When I was three, my parents learned I was deaf in one ear, and hard of hearing in the other. I got hearing aids in both ears and they worked well for about three years. When I was six, I realized they were not working well.
I went back to the doctor, who was unable to do much as my hearing quickly deteriorated over the next few weeks. All too soon, in one month exactly, I became a little girl with a ‘legal’ disability.
I am lucky because I quickly had surgery for a cochlear implant, a hearing device which has enabled me to function in the hearing world quite well.
There is a common misconception that a hearing device automatically restores your hearing to a normal capacity. I can assure you this is not the case.
I grew up in a hearing world. I have hearing friends and hearing family. I went to hearing schools, and played on hearing soccer teams. And I have spent every day since I was six doing everything I could to fit in and “be normal” in a world predominantly not like me, just because others can hear while I cannot.
Deafness is often referred to as an “invisible disability”. I have spent 20 years of my life learning all the tricks to fit in - how to fake my way through conversations, how to position myself in noisy restaurants so my ‘good ear’ is facing everyone, how to anxiously strain to read lips in loud, crowded places, how to introduce my ‘deafness’ at the right time when I meet new people.
“Soccer has been a way for me to prove my own abilities to myself and others...”
And yet, I often think my own disability is largely a societal limitation that has made my actual sensorial and physical limitation much more difficult to understand.
I am lucky because I’ve found that sports, and soccer in particular, have been a way for me to prove my own abilities to myself and others.
I look back after 12 years on the US Deaf Women’s National Team (USDWNT) and I am so grateful for the journey and what it has taught me as a person, a player, and a leader, and the unique opportunities it has provided me within the soccer world.
Growing up, soccer was a way for me to escape and be a ‘normal’ kid. I was very lucky to grow up in a community, and with teams and coaches, who helped me achieve this.
In a lot of ways, I think the adults and friends in my life made it a point to be discreet about how much thought they put into making experiences I participated in inclusive.
I’m grateful my coaches and teammates in club and college never made it a big deal that they sometimes had to play telephone to get a message to me on the field or that they made it a point to face me when talking to me.
From a personal point of view, I think it has made me a better player because I must be more aware of what is going on around me, as I can’t always rely on vocal information from my teammates or coaches.
Before I ventured into coaching, I had always wanted to be an ear doctor because I thought it would be the best way to help kids who were growing up like me.
When I finished undergrad with a science degree, I took a gap year to apply for postgraduate health care schools, but soon began to realize that perhaps the greatest impact I could have was staying in the game that had the greatest impact on me.
My deafness, and my experience with the USDWNT, has given me a different perspective on coaching. It also has presented its own set of unique challenges.
In a lot of respects, I’m just like any other coach. But, I’ve also had to learn that there are things I have to do differently in order to be successful.
I can’t always hear the little comments players make, what the referee says, the changes opposing coaches make, or what my player is shouting across the field. Luckily, I am surrounded by people who know that and will relay that information.
These people also challenge me to be intentional in everything I do, to ensure I can avoid moments where my deafness negatively affects my coaching. I have experimented with different ways to give instruction – do I explain it in the huddle and take questions there or do I set them up first and have them raise hands if they have questions? The hand-raising has been vital for me, because I am often unable to understand where sound is coming from.
It has been special to build this relationship with my players in that I have seen them working to learn what does and doesn’t work for me, and then I get to experience them adjusting to that in the future so it’s not an issue again. They even secretly learned how to sign “Happy Birthday” and surprised me with it on my birthday. It still makes me smile thinking about it.
This team has made having conversations about my experience as a deaf person easier, and their questions and perspectives on it have taught me many things.
I talked to a few of my players when I wrote this article because I was curious about a question I was asked to reflect on – “Have my experiences impacted my players? Do they have a different perspective on communication skills or attitudes on or off the field?”.
“My deafness has given me a different perspective on coaching...”
Some of them cited having more patience in communicating or being intentional or adaptable in how they communicate. But the most meaningful feedback I received - and I was told not to let it go to my head! - was that their experience of having a coach who is deaf has made them want to make the time and effort to learn others’ stories and have more patience and adaptability with other people’s situations.
Perhaps I chose the right profession to have an impact, after all.
I have been extremely lucky because I have been able to build an awesome network in the soccer world thanks to my time with the USDWNT, and our head coach, Amy Griffin, who I also consider a mentor.
When I first thought about going into coaching, I turned to Amy and - as she so often has done for me throughout my career - she put me on a path that would help me grow and develop in a personal and professional sense.
She helped me get to my first United Soccer Coaches Convention in 2017, and then told me to go to a meeting there to learn more about starting up a group that advocates for coaches with disabilities.
This group has come to be known as the Disabilities Allies Advocacy Group, and was started with the intention of advocacy for - and raising awareness of - coaches with disabilities and those who coach players with disabilities.
I am proud of how this group has worked to provide a platform and community for disability soccer in the US. This year is big for us, as we are working to release an online coaching curriculum that has been in the works for more than two years, to promote our first ever Disability Awareness Week with United Soccer Coaches in September.
I love coaching, and I love the game of soccer. I love the highs and lows, the winning, the long bus rides, the goosebumps after an overtime goal, and everything in between.
But what I love most about this game is the ability it has to change lives on and off the field. My own life is one of those.